Episode 60
Stop Blaming Others for How You Feel
Dr. Judith talks about righteous retaliation and three paths to consider when considering how retaliation or revenge may appear as a roadblock to your personal growth. She distinguishes between ego persona behavior and soul needs and asks you to assess the impact on your soul’s progress.
Do you struggle with relationships? Improve your life by working on yourself and your soul. You've heard the term "hurt people, hurt people." We discuss that in this episode.
About the Host:
Dr. Judith Holder’s passion is empowering people to be their best selves! Dr. Holder is the founder and executive director of Unique Pathways™ (www.uniquepathwayscoaching.com). She is a leadership coach-psychologist, facilitator, consultant, and author.
Our paths are filled with many adventures in which Judith believes can be seen as growth opportunities, even during challenging times. She likes to think about, discover, and discuss personal and professional life’s circumstances as you journey through life, through the lens of Christian values, Buddhist precepts, Ascended Master teachings and Esoteric Principles to gain greater clarity and mastery in daily living.
Dr. Holder is the author of Mastering Life’s Adventures: On the Beam – Essential Insights for Growth and Self-Mastery, and an e-book, Opening Up to Your Divinity: Practical Strategies and Practices for Soul Growth.
On a personal note, Dr. Holder sees herself as a perpetual student/seeker learning from her everyday adventures, which she considers as a part her ongoing growth and evolution of her SOUL. The fun part is we are all walking similar journeys together!
Judith enjoys spending time with family, vacationing at beaches and mountains sides, reading, walking, partaking in mindfulness practices, and is a certified yoga instructor.
Dr. Holder’s books on Mastering Life’s Adventures: On the Beam and Opening Up to Your Divinity: Practical Strategies and Practices for Soul Growth can be found at -
https://www.uniquepathwayscoaching.com/services/spiritual-inquisitiveness/
Mastering Life’s Adventures “How to” Downloadable Courses at www.uniquepathwayscoaching.com under the Tab “Offerings”
- Course 1: Mastering Life’s Adventures mini-course
- Course 2: Opening Up to Your Divinity mini-course
Learn more about “Mental Fitness for Busy People”, at www.uniquepathwayscoaching.com under the Tab, “Offerings”
You can also check out Dr. Holder’s at
LinkedIn page: https://www.linkedin.com/in/judith-c-holder-phd-ms-pcc-bcc-a1a4a57/
Executive and Leadership Coaching website: www.uniquepathwayscoaching.com
Speaking Engagements (for Women New to Leading): www.drjudithholder.com
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Transcript
Welcome to Mastering Life's Adventures, an educational podcast about tapping
Speaker:into your true self, the soul, your soul, the substance of your life, to discover
Speaker:what life's ups and downs are really about, and how to have a greater sense
Speaker:of purpose, peace, joy, and fulfillment.
Speaker:I am Dr.
Speaker:Judith Holder, your host, coach psychologist, fellow seeker, who enjoys
Speaker:diving into the connections between spirituality, psychology, wellness,
Speaker:and your everyday life's adventures.
Speaker:All preparing and polishing you, like the facets of a magnificent
Speaker:diamond, to be your best self.
Speaker:If you're craving more from your life, you are in the right place.
Speaker:Come, let's journey together and transform what you know into who you really are.
Speaker:Mastering Life's Adventures begins now.
Speaker:Hi, I'm back talking about another barrier from roadblock to soul progress.
Speaker:And this one is Righteous Retaliation.
Speaker:Righteous Retaliation.
Speaker:It revolves around this belief that you've been hurt and therefore
Speaker:I can hurt someone else back.
Speaker:That can be at the emotional and sometimes at the physical level, even in our
Speaker:mental levels of thinking about things.
Speaker:We're having, revolving around this aspect of retaliation that you
Speaker:hurt me, therefore I can hurt you.
Speaker:And it's in this act of hurting or doing something harmful to someone
Speaker:because they have done something or said something to you that was painful,
Speaker:harmful, disrespectful, or feel as if it's biting or attacking you in some way.
Speaker:We get into this aspect, and I want to focus on the interpersonal aspects.
Speaker:Yes, there's workplace issues about retaliation, but that's not
Speaker:what we're talking about here.
Speaker:We're talking about the conversations and the interactions we have with other
Speaker:people that set us off in some ways, that make us feel annoyed and frustrated,
Speaker:and as if we want to retaliate.
Speaker:It can even happen with acquaintances.
Speaker:Our strangers that happen to us, that they've done something
Speaker:or said something to us.
Speaker:When we're at the gas station, they made a comment that we felt
Speaker:that was inappropriate to us.
Speaker:When we were at a store buying something and the person made a snide comment
Speaker:back to you because they were having a negative day, but it affected you
Speaker:and your thinking, your reactions been thinking that there was some degree
Speaker:of injustice or something said to you that was not accurate or right.
Speaker:So when you think about retaliation, it is similar to revenge.
Speaker:Retribution, maybe even vengefulness that you want to get back at that
Speaker:person because of what happened or how they made you feel that wasn't right.
Speaker:So the roadblock and barrier is in our thoughts and feelings.
Speaker:We go back to my episode that I was talking about turbulent thinking, and I
Speaker:talk about that in recent past episodes, can be accelerated through what I call
Speaker:this quality of righteous retaliation, that there's some degree of indignation.
Speaker:We think we have the righteousness or the right.
Speaker:Uh, to do or say something to another person that may be negative, harmful,
Speaker:disrespectful back to them as well.
Speaker:So when we're thinking about further this righteous aspect, uh, in our thinking
Speaker:and feeling justified to say what we need to say, and to maybe even return
Speaker:a verbal attack because of our outrage.
Speaker:We blame the other person for how we feel.
Speaker:We blame them for, well, they made me do it, as the saying goes.
Speaker:And it's not necessarily true that they made you do anything.
Speaker:You took on that energy and now you're churning in your mind and in your
Speaker:feelings that you want to do something.
Speaker:That this wasn't right, and so they disrespected you, quote unquote.
Speaker:And so they made you feel like you need to do something.
Speaker:And when I'm saying that's not necessarily true, when we're talking about soul
Speaker:evolution, when we're talking about walking a path, a spiritual path,
Speaker:whatever that path may be for you.
Speaker:But you're walking a spiritual path.
Speaker:And in that walking of the spiritual path, you have to be aware of the fact
Speaker:that these strong types of emotions of retaliation, it actually is not
Speaker:from the soul perspective, it is actually from the ego perspective,
Speaker:which I'll talk about in a minute.
Speaker:But I want to continue on this line of talking about righteous
Speaker:retaliation and how we sometimes misuse the righteousness and justify it.
Speaker:We justify it.
Speaker:It makes us normalize that it's okay for us to do.
Speaker:I want to put before you, and you're thinking about this, in your
Speaker:soul, evolution and progress, that it's a misuse of righteousness,
Speaker:from a soul divine perspective.
Speaker:But before we get into that, Let's talk about the three paths that I've
Speaker:been thinking about that happens with this retaliation aspect.
Speaker:And they're probably more than three paths, but they're the immediate
Speaker:ones that I give in thought to.
Speaker:In this righteous retaliation, there is analogies to what is happening I
Speaker:would maybe say it's like a pot on a stove, and when you have this pot on
Speaker:the stove, it is slowly simmering, and this is the first path or quality that
Speaker:I want to talk about, this slow simmer.
Speaker:And so when it's on the pot, it's on maybe a low temperature.
Speaker:But they're simmering, and in the simmering, you see these little
Speaker:bubbles, they're coming up and starting to form, and the liquid in the pot
Speaker:is starting to kind of move back and forth, more in a gentle way, back and
Speaker:forth, so you know that it's simmering.
Speaker:And this can be analogous to when we're feeling flustered or disturbed
Speaker:by what a person has said to us, uh, done, um, towards us or around us.
Speaker:It may be kind of more on a subtle level, it can be more of a kind of
Speaker:overt little slight or insult that has taken place with us, but it brings
Speaker:and evokes from us this slow simmer.
Speaker:of being flustered or being stirred.
Speaker:Then the next path to this righteous retaliation is what I call Rocky Emotions.
Speaker:When you're thinking about Rocky Emotions, you're moving to the
Speaker:next level, this retaliation, which now as you're moving on this path,
Speaker:the pebbles now turn to the rocks.
Speaker:Bigger rocks.
Speaker:And it may be related to how you're thinking about a situation
Speaker:that are, they're getting in the way of how you're thinking.
Speaker:Or go back to the analogy of the stove and the pot that's on that stove.
Speaker:And when those simmering, slow simmer, now is turning into medium
Speaker:sized bubbles in this phase.
Speaker:You're not quite boiling, but you have these.
Speaker:Bubbles coming up, the temperature is rising about the situation or
Speaker:the person who says something to you or the event that has taken place.
Speaker:And it may have been with a boss who said something to you that was truly
Speaker:kind of annoying and frustrating because of all the hard work and attention
Speaker:you paid to that particular project.
Speaker:And so their slight comment.
Speaker:Or their subtle insult to you that it didn't look like you'd put as
Speaker:much energy or effort into your work was feeling very insulting.
Speaker:So, but this insulting or this sense that what the person is saying to
Speaker:you is not right or unjust, it is not happening on a regular basis.
Speaker:The, the cooking is taking place still in terms of the pot and it's still the
Speaker:medium sized bowls that are happening to you, but you're not necessarily
Speaker:wanting to go immediately out and give this person a piece of your mind.
Speaker:It also could be like with a colleague who wants to give their
Speaker:opinion about everything you do.
Speaker:About the projects that you do, about the quality of work that you do, about your
Speaker:communication style, about how you dress.
Speaker:So they're always having commentary that's taking place.
Speaker:This kind of creates sometimes those late nights of feeling up at night and annoyed
Speaker:and frustrated by what they're saying and what you want to say back to them.
Speaker:And how you want to talk with them.
Speaker:And then you want to tell them mind your own business.
Speaker:And you wanna tell them that they're about how they are in their work
Speaker:environment and make commentary about all the things that they do wrong.
Speaker:And so you have all these thoughts swarming in your head about what
Speaker:you want to do, but you're maybe not saying it, or you're only making a
Speaker:flippant comment once in a while.
Speaker:It's kind of a rocky emotions that you have.
Speaker:It's like a yo-yo.
Speaker:Sometimes you're okay, sometimes you're not.
Speaker:Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down.
Speaker:about when you're especially around this particular person that
Speaker:we're giving the example around.
Speaker:Then there is the neck path.
Speaker:From the rocky emotions, it's a volcanic reaction in this
Speaker:process of righteous exegnation.
Speaker:And the volcanic reaction is this high boiling or this full boiling.
Speaker:And it's rolling and bubbling and see it agitated in many ways and that is
Speaker:something that can happen to us because as we're moving along and there's
Speaker:more insults or demeaning qualities or statements being given to us or we
Speaker:are feeling disrespected or feeling unappreciated or dismissed in some
Speaker:particular ways, it feels as if it's like the straw that broke the camel's back.
Speaker:And so we're now very much into our feeling unjustly treated and annoyed
Speaker:and frustrated about what's happening because they're not appreciating the
Speaker:knowledge that you're bringing to your work, or they're not appreciating your
Speaker:communication style, even at home when you're trying to be really conscious
Speaker:and intentional about what you're saying and honoring the other person, but
Speaker:the other person is not honoring you.
Speaker:It might be in the behaviors that you're trying to be more
Speaker:intentional about, but people misinterpreting or misunderstanding.
Speaker:and you're trying to be positive and your interactions, all of this is a
Speaker:whirlwind regardless of the three paths that we just finished talking about,
Speaker:about the slow simmer or the rocky emotions or the volcanic reactions that
Speaker:may take place, they may be hitting.
Speaker:on an underlying issue or under the surface or better yet beneath the
Speaker:surface and it may be a fear that we have that is subconscious maybe
Speaker:unconscious unknown to us fully but it does hit that core issue that deeper
Speaker:issue that may be related to not Feeling good enough, not being good enough.
Speaker:And so on the surface, you show the sense of righteous retaliation.
Speaker:You want to retaliate against what they're doing to protect yourself,
Speaker:protect your self confidence and your esteem and your viewpoint.
Speaker:But it may be still hitting on this quality of not good enough.
Speaker:And you have a right to understand that this is a quality that you want
Speaker:to maybe be more mindful about in terms of when you feel this desire
Speaker:wanting to retaliate against a person or the situation or the circumstances
Speaker:that you do find yourself in.
Speaker:But you want to be really mindful that retaliation It's actually
Speaker:not a quality of the soul.
Speaker:It's a quality of the eager persona, which I've talked about on many occasions, and
Speaker:we'll probably talk about in many other occasions, because our eager persona plays
Speaker:a role in why we, we have these emotions or these feelings of what people have
Speaker:done to us that may or may not be true.
Speaker:It may not be, it wasn't their intent.
Speaker:to harm us in any way.
Speaker:It wasn't their intent to make us feel ignored or frustrated
Speaker:or out of sorts in any way.
Speaker:They were just being them and they just didn't realize how being them affected
Speaker:you and who you are and what you need because it has been communicated.
Speaker:And sometimes that's the thing that has to be looked at is how do I need
Speaker:to communicate what I need to say?
Speaker:And sometimes we don't know how, and that's valid.
Speaker:We may not know how.
Speaker:But let's kind of put that to the side for you to think about, you know, do I
Speaker:know how to do these types of things?
Speaker:Let's move forward with the path of the soul, because those other three
Speaker:paths are not the path of the soul.
Speaker:And what the soul wants you to be able to do, which is the substance of your
Speaker:life, your soul, is to act, not to react.
Speaker:To the point that your emotions are out of control, your thoughts are going AWIRE.
Speaker:And using the cooking analogy that I use, it is your boiling of the boiling,
Speaker:you know, point of being annoyed and feeling as if you have a right to do that.
Speaker:You have a right, a righteous retaliation to retaliate in some way.
Speaker:Again, as I said earlier, you hurt me, so I will hurt you.
Speaker:It is not to suppress how you're feeling, but it's more of taking stock.
Speaker:Why am I feeling this way?
Speaker:Why is this making me feel disturbed?
Speaker:My thinking begins to race.
Speaker:I still experience anxiety or anger or shame about how I'm feeling
Speaker:about what's been said to me.
Speaker:And this may be in small dosages or medium size or large doses
Speaker:that is happening in your world.
Speaker:But whatever dosage that is happening, it is up to each person
Speaker:to check in with their soul.
Speaker:And more move into, how do I utilize this to know myself better?
Speaker:And begin to work on yourself.
Speaker:And also communicate, as I mentioned, about how you're feeling.
Speaker:And be aware of what type of person, or what types of circumstances, or
Speaker:what types of events that trigger you.
Speaker:Believing you have a right to retaliate, to fling negativity through
Speaker:your words or your behaviors back at the other person or situation.
Speaker:As you walk a spiritual path, you be aware of the fact of,
Speaker:I'm accountable for my actions.
Speaker:I am accountable for my thoughts.
Speaker:I am accountable for my feelings.
Speaker:And so instead of doing something immediate, even to the point of not
Speaker:allowing the simmering to take place within you, you want to breathe and use
Speaker:that simmering, when it first is coming up in you, as an awareness building.
Speaker:Awareness that, oh, something's not right here, because I'm feeling
Speaker:this agitation taking place in me.
Speaker:And before it gets to the volcanic level, of that boiling point.
Speaker:I want to handle this when it's just simmering.
Speaker:So I want to breathe,
Speaker:and breathe out, observe, and ask your inner self, your soul
Speaker:self, what is happening that this person is triggering me?
Speaker:Why is this person triggering me?
Speaker:And the soul may even want you to ask even more, what might this
Speaker:situation try to be teaching me?
Speaker:What is it, is the learning opportunity?
Speaker:in this situation.
Speaker:Because when we're walking a spiritual path, we've become more attuned to
Speaker:things that come into our world or even coming in to test us, to help
Speaker:us, to guide us, or to help us to be clearly aware that this is a pattern,
Speaker:this happens with this type of person.
Speaker:This happens with this type of situation.
Speaker:Aha, okay, I see the pattern.
Speaker:And this is usually my type of reaction, this righteous retaliation.
Speaker:Or this anger, or other barriers that are created to our soul progress.
Speaker:Which you can go back and listen to the other barriers that I've talked about.
Speaker:And then, once you're able to do that and ask that question, when you're
Speaker:walking a spiritual path, about what's the opportunity here, and
Speaker:see things through the opportunity lens, then we begin to know there's
Speaker:something that I need to master.
Speaker:There's something I need to master.
Speaker:In my thoughts, in my feelings.
Speaker:And in the experience that is around me and this opportunity, it's twofold.
Speaker:One is, how do I rightly righteously in the rightness of this?
Speaker:Use my energy that is given to me each day, which we'll talk about now, but
Speaker:the other path of the, of the twofold that I wanna talk about, and I'm gonna
Speaker:talk about this in another episode.
Speaker:It's really tacking this issue around not good enough and what that means
Speaker:and I'm going to be talking about that in the next episode on Defiant
Speaker:Dishonesty, yes, Defiant Dishonesty.
Speaker:as a roadblock to the soul's progress.
Speaker:So when we're considering righteousness using your energy, it really prompts
Speaker:you into saying to yourself, if I feel this in me, and it's simmering, and
Speaker:it's triggering, and this is the person, it may be my spouse, or it may be my
Speaker:colleague, or it may be my boss, or it may be an acquaintance, why don't we pray?
Speaker:Let's take an inner moment to pray, and say God, the mighty I am presence,
Speaker:your soul source, You're a higher sense, or the God sense of who you are.
Speaker:Assist me, help me to understand this.
Speaker:Because the ego always want, is about me.
Speaker:And I need to do something.
Speaker:I need to handle this.
Speaker:I need to tell this person what I think I need to tell them that they're this
Speaker:that and whatever but it's like No, as we walk a spiritual path and our soul
Speaker:is what we're trying to protect Then we also as I said we pause Press that
Speaker:pause button, observe, and ask in prayer.
Speaker:And that asking in prayer is you're moving towards helping the soul awareness.
Speaker:I'm saying, okay, I'm wanting to understand at a soul level, what
Speaker:is it that I need to do here?
Speaker:And you, so you're calling upon the Lord.
Speaker:That Father, Mother, God, the Higher Presence, the I Am Presence,
Speaker:the Atman, you're calling upon the Lord for guidance here.
Speaker:What do I need to do here?
Speaker:What do I need to say here?
Speaker:What is it that I need to help me through this situation that I'm finding myself in?
Speaker:Again, If it's a pattern that keeps on happening, then you do want to
Speaker:ask the higher part of you who know so much more than the ego persona
Speaker:about what needs to happen here.
Speaker:And it may be quite different from what you originally thought you needed to do.
Speaker:You've taken the higher road.
Speaker:You've taken the higher path of trying to understand and be guided.
Speaker:into what is that next best step that you need to take.
Speaker:Because ultimately what the soul is wanting is for mastery over your
Speaker:thoughts, your feelings, your reactions.
Speaker:Not having another person pull your strings to make you feel or do
Speaker:something that is not in attunement or in alignment with your higher good.
Speaker:When we can dissolve the simmering by asking, when we feel the simmering,
Speaker:we're asking for a greater guidance.
Speaker:We're being quiet with ourselves.
Speaker:We're questioning a little bit more proactively what's happening.
Speaker:What is it the lesson to be learned here?
Speaker:How might I be guided through this situation?
Speaker:What do I need to say to this person to help them to understand that
Speaker:their statements or comments or behaviors towards me is unacceptable?
Speaker:Not in a loud and angry way, but in a very calm, intelligent, and firm way.
Speaker:The person begins to understand your boundaries and understand what is
Speaker:important and what isn't important.
Speaker:So they start to understand.
Speaker:Their impact on you, which is so important.
Speaker:People need to understand their impact on you as you're looking
Speaker:at yourself and evolving so that you're finding certain things that
Speaker:people do around you or towards you.
Speaker:You don't react in the old way.
Speaker:You realize this is about them.
Speaker:This is not about them.
Speaker:Me, and all I need to say to them is, I didn't appreciate that.
Speaker:In the future, can we find another way to say that?
Speaker:Or, it's, it's as if your inner self will tell you what you need to say when
Speaker:you work on attunement and having to do that silence with yourself and being
Speaker:in listening grace and being curious.
Speaker:It begins, your inner self tells you, guides you, helps you to be able to know
Speaker:what you need to do in the situation.
Speaker:Again, it may be entirely different from what your ego persona says you need
Speaker:to do immediately in this situation.
Speaker:Something to think about.
Speaker:Bye for now.
Speaker:Oh, what do you think about the three paths of this righteous retaliation?
Speaker:And would there be anything you would add to that?
Speaker:Or take away from it, that's okay.
Speaker:I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Speaker:Take care.
Speaker:Bye for now.
Speaker:Thank you for joining me for this episode on Mastering Life's Adventures.
Speaker:Being your best self through soul evolution.
Speaker:If you have enjoyed what you've heard today, I would be delighted if you
Speaker:would share this episode with others.
Speaker:Leave a thumbs up and subscribe to my Mastering Life's Adventures podcast.
Speaker:Look forward to your joining the next episode.
Speaker:Please leave any comments or suggestions you might have below.
Speaker:Bye for now.
